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[Photographs: Carrie Vasios]

After new mom January Jones admitted to People magazine that she's been ingesting her own placenta in pill form, I thought, "Well Betty. You've gone and done it. Folks, we have officially topped out at celebrity T.M.I."

But then Alicia Silverstone went and posted a video on the internet in which she fed her son Bear like a bird (a lot of animals, I know, but keep up with me here)—she chewed his food and then let him eat it out of her mouth. Am I simply trying to gross you out? Only in the hopes that sharing my trauma will help relieve the pain. But more to the point, it was only after seeing this video that I could articulate my feelings about the newest Biscoff product, Biscoff Spread Crunchy.

The packaging of the new spread insists that Biscoff Spread Crunchy is "a delicious European alternative to peanut butter." First things first: the only similarity between the two is that you can spread both products on toast. But my biggest issue isn't that, unlike peanut butter, Biscoff spread has no nutritional value, it's that the spread is nothing like crunchy peanut butter in consistency.

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Mama bird food.

Biscoff Spread Crunchy is far too loose, verging on liquid. Stirring doesn't fully integrate the pockets of oil—the spread remains unpleasantly soft and gloppy. While the base seeps into your cheeks, the small pieces of crunchy cookie linger on your tongue. As you attempt to swallow, it's hard not to think that the spread feels exactly like chewed Biscoff cookies that were spit out.

This is really too bad because the flavor is awesome. Like the original smooth spread, it has the well spiced, gingery taste of Biscoff cookies. Indeed, as a crunchy peanut butter lover, I could get behind a crunchy cookie spread. The key difference is that crunchy peanut butter resembles smooth peanut butter with some added chunks. After a good stir and refrigeration, even the natural versions are rather firm with a uniform thickness. It doesn't look or feel like partially masticated peanuts. If Biscoff Spread Crunchy can follow this model, I'll happily buy it. Until then, I'll leave it to Bear.

$10.95 for 13 ounces. Available online. Sample provided for review

About the author: Carrie Vasios is the editor of Serious Eats: Sweets. She likes to peruse her large collection of cookbooks while eating jam from the jar. You can follow her on Twitter @carrievasios

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